Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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