he wants to bone in the snuggie
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
