he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
