You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
