The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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