Grow some girl-balls and come out already
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I think my moral compass just broke
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
