I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
The ass gains better be worth it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
