The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
