I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
