goodnight i made you a song goodbye
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
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