I wish I could punch you in the face.
The maid of honor just puked.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize