I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
