Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
