So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
dude. I can hear the air.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
