I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
