textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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