it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
