She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
