If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
