I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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