The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
