My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
