remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize