new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
