Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
