I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Randomize
