I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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