It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
