I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Say something about gay babies.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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