I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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