Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
