he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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