I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
