I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
