Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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