Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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