I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
