your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
