Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
