She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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