Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
