Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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