I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
