Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
