somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize