He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
