look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize