Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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