Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
