My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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