I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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