Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
