I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
