i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize