how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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