those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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