3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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