this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You should frame my arrest warrant.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
