you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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