I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
