You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
