The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
