He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
