my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
