I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
