That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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