I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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