Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize