the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
