Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
