i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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