Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
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