i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
