bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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