I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
its not stalking. its research.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
