I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
How's work?
Spinning.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
