Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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