So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
