I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
