I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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