saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
